Surviving the 7-Hour "Home Study"

Friday, February 12, 2010

After a bit of discussion between the two of us, Melinda and I have decided NOT to publish the specific questions asked, but rather discuss things in generalities. We want to respect the integrity of the process and appreciate the sensitivity that our Home Study Interviewer, Corrine, displayed throughout the process.

We felt that Corrine did a great job of making us feel comfortable, thus creating a very open and safe environment to answer the tough questions (including a few things we had never much thought about before) and keeping the interview moving along. We discussed this morning that people like Corrine must like autobiographies and must have inquisitive minds like a good news reporter (think “Barbara Walters”).

Clearly she had not only read every word of what we had answered in the volumes of information that we had submitted, she also keyed into the specific life-changing events where individually Melinda and I had experienced trauma, pain, separation, etc. If you know either of us, I am sure you can figure out our big events. While displaying a great deal of empathy and tact in the questioning, she probed hard into those areas and we surmise the goal was never to find out what was “wrong” as much as it was, “how did you deal with it” and more importantly, “have you resolved the issues” and “are you now whole again.” She never point-blank asked that, but that seemed to be the line of questioning.

Other areas that were interesting included past childhood discipline; affection shown in the house between our parents and toward us; discipline that we used with my kids; personal childhoods; what “social and economic class” we perceived ourselves while growing up; EVERYTHING about how Melinda and I met, dated, fell in love, our engagement, up to the marriage and more!

We accepted that she had to ask questions about when and how we found out about “the birds and the bees” (although with more direct language) and how and when Alex and Erich were introduced to the concepts. While were asked about other “significant personal” relationships, there was nothing that seemed lurid in the questioning.

We were prepared for most, but not all of the questions of the type of child(ren) we were willing and interested in being placed with us including race, ages and numbers of kids and their religious beliefs. We discussed in detail possible major physical, medical and psychological make-up of these kids and what would best fit for us. We had three choices, “yes,” “no” or “case-by-case basis” (which is what we usually agreed to). Topics included ADHD, autism, mental retardation, depression, suicidal, reactive detachment disorder (RAD), self-abusive, feeding tubes, wheel chairs, HOMICIDAL (which we ruled out quickly), plus much more. Melinda and I agree that we are mature enough to handle kids with “issues.” We don’t expect a “perfect” child(ren) – that just does not exist – rather we want a child(ren) that we can love and are capable of eventually loving us back.

For those planning to go through this process, be prepared to name every surgery or major illness you ever had including years and recovery from those events. Also, you need to know every single move your family made, what year it was and WHY you moved. I had moved a lot, so it took a while. Melinda has not moved as much.

This whole process took a while. Corrine arrived at 2:45 and interviewed Melinda by herself until 4:15. I got home at 4:05, changed clothes (due to some of the slush of record snowfall – 12 inches!) and had to wait only a few minutes until I got to come in. We then got most of our “group” interviewing questions out of the way. That lasted until roughly 6:00. Then Melinda went into the bedroom and watched two “Law and Order” shows on the DVR and I finished my section about 7:45. Melinda was called back in and we did a little more questioning plus the whole home inspection. We finished everything up and signed the paperwork for the inspection at 9:30 – almost seven hours later. Of course, we passed the inspections. It was only then that we got to eat. We were starving, especially Melinda who hadn’t eaten since breakfast. We were in bed by 10:30 and crashed until this morning.

We feel like we conveyed what we want to. We covered “Team Nelson” and what that meant to us. I think she saw a 50/50 relationship with lots of love between us and the desire to have one or two more kids to love. We felt very satisfied with the process. Thank you Corrine and Covenant Kids!