Melinda and I went to the 301st Court in downtown Dallas like we have so many times over the last 21 months. The last time we showed up for mediation was in July 2011 and it was made very clear by the birth mother's attorney that we were not participating in the mediation and she even told us we needed to stay in the main lobby. For the last two weeks we have talked with Jacki (the CPS case manager in charge of X and A) about the mediation and what would likely happen. She also made it clear that we were just going to be in the lobby, but needed to be available for consultation. If we thought we would be in actual negotiations, we would have brought our adoption attorney Dave Cole (https://www.adoptlegal.com/) or at least been more prepared to answer some of the questions.
Well... we were dead in the middle of negotiations! We had to state how many times a year we were willing to meet with the birth parents, how we would keep them informed between visits (letters, e-mail, photos, this blog), had to give an e-mail address (that we set up prior) for use when contacting us about the boys (we did not want to give out our cell phone numbers - we keep that VERY private). Mediation theoretically was supposed to start at 1:30, but really did not start until a little after 2:00 since a key individual showed up 22 minutes late. It did not end until 5:05.
Those that were present and represented: birth mother, her mother (X and A's grandmother), Kim Cooks - the mother's attorney, the birth father of one of the children and his attorney, an attorney representing the father of the other child (unknown whereabouts), the ad-litem (the attorney supposedly assigned to represent strictly the interest of the children), the CPS attorney, CPS case worker Jacki, the Attorney General, the mediator and Melinda and myself. Yes, that is a lot of people to get to agree to anything.
The end result of all this that Melinda and I agreed to an open adoption where we would let X and A meet with the birth parents multiple times each year for a few hours each time. We are to meet in a "neutral" place that is "appropriate" for children (so no "men's" clubs or bars I guess). We also are to provide regular communication via photos, e-mail, etc. While this is the minimum that we agreed to, of course we can and will do much more. In exchange for us agreeing to all of this, both birth parents had to sign agreements to the voluntary termination of their parental rights. Once the judge orders a rendition of judgement (basically, just orally states before the court and then signs the execution order) on November 29th, then this agreement will be official. We have been told that the termination of the parental rights is already done and is irrevocable. If the judge did NOT agree to the mediation terms, there would be grounds for appeal to the termination based on the good faith agreement of the mediation, however, that would be the only way the termination could be reversed at this point. Our attorney says he has NEVER seen a judge not agree to these type of mediated settlements and, since he is strictly an adoption attorney, he would know.
After we signed the agreement (we were the last to do so), we got a copy of it and then rushed out to get back to X's school before 6:00 (he is in an after school program and it closes at 6:00). While we did not make it until 6:07, they completely understood and were very kind about being late. We then rushed over to pick up A from a licensed pay-by-the-hour "playcare" place that was CPS-approved.
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Something happened that we did not expect after mediation - a lack of overflowing joy. We had this vision in our heads of jumping up and down when we found out that the parental rights were terminated. I mean, hey, this is exactly what we wanted and MUST happen before we can move forward with adoption (which can now happen early March, 2012). We should be happy and thrilled, right? But we can't truly celebrate when the mother and grandmother are literally crying on our shoulders.
We have met and interacted with them for 14 of the last 15 months that we have had X and A. Melinda brings the kids to see them each week at visitation and I get to join her in the Summer. We give them photos each week, learn about their lives and they certainly know about our lives. In recent months the mother and grandmother have opened up more to us about what happened and who they are and have even given us photos of the kids when they were younger. They are not just "the other people in the case," these are X's and A's family. We have grown to care about them and this is the worse day of their entire lives. Their whole world has been shattered. To be joyous now would be heartless. It would be like celebrating after just witnessing someone being shot at point blank range. No matter what problems brought the kids to us or what mistakes have been made, it still does not take away the fact that one is their birth mother and the other is their birth grandmother. While we admit that we do not know the birth father very well (he has remained a bit distant with us), we still know that this is hard for him, too.
Our goal is to surpass the "minimum" in our agreement and to allow the birth family to experience X and A growing up. As we have said before, there is no such thing as too much love for these kids and as long as we believe it is benefiting the kids, we intend to have the birth family around for the children's significant life events.
While this is certainly not "shared parenting" with the birth family (Melinda and I will make all the decisions regarding X and A), it is open adoption and the most important thing we can give X and A is their sense of self - they have to be comfortable with their past to move forward with their future. The open adoption is not for the birth mother, grandmother or father. It is not for Melinda and I. It is for X and A.
As it was said in our very first foster care / adoption certification class over two years ago (and something that we never forget): Adoption starts with a loss. Through the tears and heartaches of these people we have come to care about, we felt that loss. We pray that they understand how much we absolutely cherish X and A and we hope that they know that we will take care of their X and A forever.
Certainly shows your love for children, and courtesy towards Birth parents.
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